what do you call a person who cares more about their garden then anything else???



a herbicidal maniac!!!!

I like it!

Here's one....

The Bird Flu Has Finally Hit Florida....



:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

In keeping with the humor (humour across the pond)


Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed
there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now is considered to be mentally stable. The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news.

"The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays soundness of the mind. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. When can I go home?"

here's one from Jay Leno. Today scientists announced a bird in new jersey has the bird flu. they had a tough time finding the bird because in new jersey, all the birds cough. :-) :-) Do you get it? All the air pollution that's in the new jersey air.

These two guy walk into a bar. The bar says "Hey! watch were you're goin'"

Why don't blind people go skydiving?






Ans.- Because it scares hell out of the dog.........

Al's joke made me laugh, the rest must try harder..

And as for making me laugh, ,please try harder than Al's joke....

"This morning, my wife slipped on the bathroom floor and knocked herself out. There was blood everywhere"

"Didn't you panic?"

"At first yes, but then I thought of shaving in the kitchen in stead"

Technology

An American, a Finn and a Swede are in the sauna together. Suddenly there is a "beep beep" sound, and the American starts to look at the palm of his hand.

"What are you doing?" asks the Finn. The American replies

"This is the latest Motorola technology. I've got my pager embedded in the palm of my hand, so I don't have to carry it around any more."

Then the familiar old Nokia ring tone is heard, and the Finn starts looking at the palm of his hand.

"What are you doing?" ask the other guys. The Finn replies

"This is the latest Nokia technology. I've got my mobile phone embedded in the palm of my hand, so I don't have to carry it around any more."

The Swede thinks to himself that he'd better not be outdone by these guys, so he leaves the sauna. In a couple of minutes he returns, and there is toilet paper hanging out of his bum!

"What the hell is that??" shout the other guys in unison.

"I'm getting a fax." says the Swede.

:-)

hehe not bad Sami...
This is a sad reflection on my upbringing, but I can't think of any clean jokes... They are all ROFLs though :-)

A Yank, a German, and a Sri Lankan are taking a train somewhere in Europe when a thug storms into their compartment, brandishing a hypodermic syringe.

"This is AIDS-infected blood and I'm gonna stick anyone who doesn't hand over the cash!" he yells.

The Yank, knowing he's well insured, hands over the dough without batting an eye.

The tight-fisted German thinks about resisting, but decides the euros aren't worth his life and hands it over.

The Sri Lankan just laughs in the robber's face. His companion's are aghast and urge him to give it up, it's only money, etc. But our hero refuses.

The thug then pumps him full of the infected blood and takes off with his ill-gotten gains.

The Yank and the German are horrified and point out that the Sri Lankan now has AIDS.

But our hero just smiles confidently and says, "Not to worry, I'm wearing a condom."

:-) :-) :-) Thats just wrong. Very funny :-) :-) but wrong. :-) you gota love it

Harry

So I said to the waiter, "What's this fly doing in my soup?"
And the waiter said, "Looks like the backstroke!"

This is not a good post for me to see after spending the weekend watching the blue collar comedy guys. (Sadly the best of them I better not post here)

I was seeing this girl for awhile but then someone took the binoculars out of my truck.


This one time I took my wife with me hunting and were sitting up in the tree stand and it was just that perfect time of day. You know when its still dark and everything calm and silent...well kind of because in the darkness of my tree stand I hear hmmmm... ummmmm. Hmmmmm. Honey when are the dear going to show up?


I was mader then a one legged waitress working at the IHOP.


But one of my favorites.

A word from the Redneck dictionary.
Initiate and ascot

What happened to her?
Well she ate herself to death.
How?
Well first she ate a sandwich initiate a bag of chips initiate a turkey.
Wow so that how her ( I’ll leave it up to you to figure out how the other word fits in)


Now I don’t care who you are thats funny right there.
Lord I analogize for that and for all those starving pygmies down in New Guinea.


Yes I know I need to get out more.

Well I believe that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach but a little further south.

You might be a redneck if everyone in your family is an elvis impersonator.

You might be a redneck if you think megabytes is a good day of fishing.

You might be a redneck if your house has ever been involved in a traffic accident.

You might be a redneck if your dad walks you to school because he's in the same grade.

Jeet Yet
Redneck for
Have you eaten recently?

Things to do today:
1. Get up
2. Survive
3. Go back to bed

Save the trees wipe your ass with an owl.

The golden years have come at last
I cannot see, I cannot pee,
I cannot chew, I cannot screw,
My memory shrinks, My hearing stinks,
No sense of smell, I look like hell,
My body's drooping, Got trouble pooping.
The golden years have come at last,
THE GOLDEN YEARS CAN KISS MY ASS!

Allergic to stupid people

Why are you still here? The stupid people left hours ago.

Whoever said the best things in life are free never drank beer.
:-) :-) :-)

A baby seal walks into a club :-)

That’s just wrong. But still funny.



A redneck is stopped dragging a deer out woods by a game warden.
The warden asks to see the rednecks hunting license but the redneck calmly stats that he doesn’t have one. When asked why he doesn’t the redneck answers that he doesn’t need a hunting licence because he isn’t hunting.
The warden starting to get annoyed asks the redneck whet he’s doing then if he isn’t hunting and the redneck simply replies that he’s only out target shorting. The Warden whos now getting mad yells if thats the case then what the heck are you doing with that dead deer.
The Redneck smiles and replays. Well sir that was my target.


And now another one from Larry the cable guy.

I tried paying a stripper with monopoly money once. After she took it she looked down and said Hey this is fake! I looked up at her and said yea well those are fake to.

any comments on the other jokes of mine?

What do you get when ragetty-anne and the pilsberry doughboy have ? a redhead with a yeast infection!! :-)

no offend to the ladies...

-Bank of Newfie Scotia ATM Instructions-

[Please note that the Bank of Newfie Scotia is installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility, the following procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember them when you use the machine for the first time?

MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine;
2. Put down your car window;
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN;
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw;
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt;
6. Put window up;
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine;
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine;
3. Set parking brake;
4. Put the window down;
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card;
6. Turn the radio down;
7. Attempt to insert card into machine;
8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car;
9. Insert card;
10. Re-insert card the right way up;
11. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page;
12. Enter PIN;
13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN;
14. Enter amount of cash required;
15. Check make up in rear view mirror;
16. Retrieve cash and receipt;
17. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside;
18. Place receipt in back of checkbook;
19. Re-check make-up again;
20. Drive forwards 2 feet;
21. Reverse back to cash machine;
22. Retrieve card;
23. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided;
24. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers in line behind you;
25. Restart stalled engine and pull off;
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles;
27. Release Parking Brake.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Deep Sea diver

A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You [auto-censored]*, I'm drowning."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hot dog

Teacher: "Billy, what does your Dad do?"
Billy: "My dad is dead."
Teacher: "Oh, i am sorry. What did he do before he died?"
Billy: "Grabbed his chest and fell over."


Shaun

Now that's funny!!!! :-) :-) :-)