To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas,
which
she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up
"revocation"
in the
Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You
will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as "favour" and
"neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the
suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up "vocabulary").

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of
communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter "u" and the
elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem,
God
Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're
not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if
you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
we
mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling "gasoline")-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as
Near-Frozen
Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further
confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having
one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 21% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups, never
mugs,
with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

Thank you for your co-operation

John Cleese


Found this on another forum, to good to let it slip by.... :-) :-) :-)

Kris

:-) :-) :-) :-)
..good one kris! #:-)

And so starts WW3...... :-)

very good, read it a while back on missing lynx but it still makes me laugh.

I read once that there is actually a group in the US that wants this to take place, everyone else there thinks they are bonkers

It still stings doesn't it, that whole revolution thing in the 1700's? Well I for one welcome the return to unwashed bodies and yellow teeth. I never really liked baths that much anyway. I can't say much for the brits but at least we would have a reason to hate the french now. I have always wanted to pay a poll tax and enjoy the accompanying riots. I must insist, however, that you brits refrain from pushing spotted dick on us, it just makes us chuckle.

As for the guns, you might have a spot of trouble removing them from us since we have them and you don't. But I am sure that famous British stiff upper lip is quite bulletproof by now and it would make us all equal in the long run.

I agree that it will be a welcome change to see a brit who is not Hugh Grant take the lead roll now. As for the villains, well we can leave those roles for Gerard Depardieu.

I will be glad to see the queen is finally going to be gaurded by some US Marines and not those pansies with fur hats. Furthermore when Her Majesty sends said Marines to retake the falklands, it will be delightful to watch the bad guys abandon their positions rather than face a Marine with his war face on. You can tell those panty wastes in the royals that they can all go home now as their services are no longer required.

Concerning the epithet that American cars are junk, I will gladly trade in my carousel red 1969 GTO "The Judge" just as soon as Jolly Old England can produce a car with enough cojones to be called "the Judge." Or "The Anything" for that matter as long as the title of the new british car does not include the words tiny, boxy, ugly, super sub-compact, or spotted dick.

Thanks for letting us know about this and we look forward to the chuckles we will get calling a cop a bobby instead of a pig. Football anyone?

:-) I was wondering if i was the only telepathic one here!
Now it IS only a joke guys, seriously, no one get mad, if your mad write to John Cleese, im sure he'll write back :-)
Cheers

They might have a little problem, no macdonalds in the falklands

And when your army has been around long enough to develop traditions, we might lend you some bearskins

note-no insult intended

Hehehe Good to sit back and watch this one develop... At least the waves caused across the Atlantic won't affect us down here... :-)
If you need any Aussie know-how or ingenuity for the rights of replies let us know....

That is GMT, I presume?

Damn Kris, that was good. Unfortunately, I read this in lecture so you know, like my professor was like "Kyle, what are you laughing about?" so you know... :-) :-)
Kyle

George does have ears like bonny prince Chucky.

(giggle) Good Read. England's last act of defiance before becoming the 51st state

ROFLMAO :-) :-) :-)

The good old John Cleese.

From one who was once accused of killing the Queens english;

Long Live the Queen


Bob

Lol...This must have been written by someone on mainland Europe, because everyone knows that she was playing an American in the movie. That was no accent she was attempting that's just the way she normally talks! hehe

Jim

So we're not making fun of the Germans any more

Yous guys gota problem wit english???
We got no problem wit english in Joisey......


Watch out.... I'm over paid, over weight, over sexed, but ain't over dare ..... yet!!!! :-) :-)

Whehehehheeeeee

Gotta love good old John Cleese. Simply brilliant this guy
:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

Six dollars a gallon for GAS? Now that is revolting!!!!!

That would be grounds for a revolt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOL good read...Dave, Get da boat ready..Two Joisay folk is all we needin for dat Island!




Yup we call em Democrats!

Wait until we start sticking you with Yorkshire and black pudding! :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)





You mean like Sir Sean or Sir Michael. Those titles really tick Hollywood off (mainly cause they can’t acquire them). Or Liam Neeson, Patrick Stewart or Pierce Brosnan? :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

We've still got James Bond.





Here I thought that job was done by the Secret Service (PS: If they’re so secret; How come they keep informing people of their identity?), well not to worry, it’s been awhile since those “pansies with fur hats” have had an assassin get close to HRH… :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

Not to mention that HRH can hold her own against most intruders as she has proven in the past (and in a truly Ladylike fashion to boot)! :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)






To quote ‘Ye Olde Englishman‘ “What’s in a name?”… Remember that the McLaren F1, from “Jolly Old England”, is still the holder of the "fastest production car in the world" title! :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)




[EDIT:] PS: Bro, just had a look at their website, you might just be able to swing a good trade-in... :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

All in a day’s fun!

Yeah but who has ever gotten some action in the backseat of a McLaren? And my Judge costs me a tenth what a new mclaren costs.

As far as the US having a sense of Humor. We did elect George W didn't we ? If thats not a joke I don't know what one is. :-) I was all for this idea until that banning guns and football part came up. If you had ever met my ex-wife you would completly understand these reasons for gun ownership

Harry