Thought I'd share some jokes as we head into the long weekend... :-)

You've been warned...

1. Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft and it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. "Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well,"
says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and Examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ballstuck up my backside."..."How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors. He said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night...

In a similar vein:
How do you fit elephant in a fridge?
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.
.
.
Open the door, put in the elephant, close the door.

How do you fit a lion in a fridge?
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.
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Open the door, take out the elephant, put in the lion, close the door.

Who was missing from the animal's tea party?
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The lion - someone locked him in a fridge.

How do you cross a crocodile infested river?
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Swim - they're all at the animal's tea party

Cheers
Ed

HHHMMMMMMM,
Dont give up your day jobs just yet! :-) :-) :-)

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter, he won't come no matter what you call him.

Thought I'd add a dumb one to the list.

Patrick

Did you hear the one about the baby seal who walked into a club?






A priest, a rabbi, a cowboy and duck walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this -- some kind of a joke?"

I have a worse one, but I usually end up making a fool of myself, so I won't go there. However try this:

At an airshow, the F-117 "stealth fighter" was on display. All viewers saw was a fenced off piece of tarmac.


Women walks in a port-a-pot at an airshow. When an F-14 buzzed the bathroom line, it scared the poop out of her.

Both are true stories. The stealth display had everything: metal fence, armed guard with "letal force authorized" sign, even the F-117 fact file sheet, but no aircraft!

Jeff

This is a bit dirty but I can't resist the temptation...

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says:
"Doc, I can't get it up any more."
The doctor says:
"No problem, bring your wife tomorrow."
"But it's me that has the problem."
"Bring her in anyway"
So the next day the man walks in with his wife and the doctor turns to her:
"Please take your clothes off."
But, Doc, the problem is not with her, it's me that needs help!"
"Please don't interfere."
So the poor spouce removes her garments and lies on the bed and the doctor proceeds to ask her to open her legs, bend over, hold her legs in the air and a bunch of other poses as well. After half an hour he turns to the guy and says:
"Don't worry, you're perfectly alright. I couldn't get it up either."

My
My wifes all time favorite joke...

Where does a General keep his armies??


In his sleevies.... I know, i said the same thing the first time I heard it...

these jokes are so awful that they are funny

We went to our local bar the other day and proceeded to imbibe. The bartender asked us if we could do him a favor and take the elderly 85 yr. old drunken gentleman across the bar from us home after we were done hanging out. Being regulars we had to comply , I mean it involved free beers. Well when we were ready to leave we went over to the old gent and helped him to his feet and told him we were taking him home. As soon as we let go of him to walk to the door he fell flat down, needless to say getting him to the car involved 4 such collapses. After finding his house and helping him to his front door, [ and 2 more droppings by the way, every time we let go of him ] his wife asked us if we could just put him on the sofa." Sure ma'am no problem," " well we've got to go now ". As we were leaving she came to the front door and said " Thanks again boys and by the way where's his wheel chair?" - Cheyenne

A skeleton walks into a bar and says " Hey bartender give me a beer and a mop " -Cheyenne

Two midgets walk into a whore house, choose thier women and go upstairs. The first midget gets undressed and to his horror realizes he can't get it up and to make matters worse hears his friend in the next room grunting " one, two, three uuuhhh " over and over. Upon leaving the house the second midget asks the first " so how did you make out " the first midget replys " oh screw you, I couldn't get it up and you didn't help matters in the next room grunting away one, two, three uuuhhh over and over you rutting fool " The second midget says to the first midget " what the hell are you talking about I couldn' get up on the bed " - Cheyenne