G'day guys, heres a bit of Aussie Military humour for you, hope you get a laugh outta it, i did, cheers

ACTION UPON ENCOUNTERING A SNAKE - The Differential Theory:-

1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

3. Armour: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite co-ordinates to snake. Can't
find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

5. Commando: Plays with snake, then eats it.

6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time-On-Target barrage with
three regiments in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable
collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants
(i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded service medals.

7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all Department of
Foreign Affairs directives and Theatre Commander Rules of Engagement by
building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to
kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in
obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using counter
mobility assets. Complains that manoeuvre forces don't understand how to
properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

9. Navy Landing Party: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire
support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites sailors and retreats to
safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which US Navy SEALS kill religious
extremist snakes.

10. Navy: Fires missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes
presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the
most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

11. SASR: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local
civilians demand removal of all Australian Defence Force from Area of
Operations.

12. Cavalry: Follows snake, gets lost, buys sunglasses.

13. Air Battle Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

14. Combat Medics: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly
to save snake's life.

15. Ordnance: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two
weeks after due date.

17. Macchi pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and
engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

18. F/A-18 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses
snake target, but get direct hit on Chinese Embassy 100 Km East of snake due
to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with
Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing
multimillion dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the
future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on
infra-red. Infra-red only operable in desert Areas of Operations without
power lines or SAMs.

20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds
bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows
snake into fire.

21. F-111 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every
other living thing within two miles of target.

22. Medium gun crew: Lays in target co-ordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but
can't receive authorization from Melbourne Air Traffic Control to use
high-trajectory weapons.

23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of
snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake
activity as LOW.

24. Legal Corps: Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional
courtesy.

25. Construction Engineers: Build pub, gut and stuff snake, mount over bar,
name pub "The Snakepit".

26. Petroleum Handlers: Catch snake, introduce free snake with every full
tank promotion.

27. Military Police: Wait for somebody else to capture snake, beat up snake,
deny responsibility.

If that's Aussie humour...I Like It.

Love it....
Is that why snake skin belts are all the rage in the Aussie Forces???

Cheers
Peter
:-)

LMAO - like 24 & 27 best!

:-) glad you liked it, heres another

New ABC Drama Series:

Following the popularity of the BBC series Red Cap, which shows the
hard working, intelligent, brave, heroic, compassionate Military Police of
the British Army, the ABC is pleased to announce Meat Head, a new drama
series about Australian Army Military Police.

Episode 1: It's a Long Way to the Top*
In the opening episode we follow Private Jim Loser who thinks a
transfer to the MPs is an easy two stripes. See him become bitter and twisted when
he realises that all he's achieved is to go from the bottom of one pile to
the bottom of another.

Episode 2: Serving the Nation
This episode covers the vital work of the Military Police. Using the
latest high tech radar (that the civilian coppers stopped using because it was
so unreliable) and on the lookout for speed demons who recklessly tear up
the base at 41km/h.

Episode 3: Lost without you.
In this episode the Meat Heads have the vital task of directing
exercise convoys. They put out a 6-inch by 6-inch sign with a black arrow on
dark green, a foot off the ground and wonder why drivers in a forest at
midnight on blackouts can't see it.

Episode 4: Friends
(It appears that as Australian Army Military Police don't actually
have any, this script is still under development.)

Episode 5: The Persuaders (a true story).
When a SLR goes missing from the unit armory, the crack Meat Head SIB
team soon suspect the soldier who had the rifle on the previous exercise.
After a few days downtown he "willingly" signs a confession saying he stole
the rifle and sold it to "criminals". Case closed. The rifle is found a
year later, stock and butt dissolved, in the bottom of the armory's
chemical cleaning tank, where it had been all the time.

Episode 6: Bob Marley
It's a 4am drug bust at the OR's barracks. A further mystery emerges in
the females' lines where two female soldiers share a room but only one bed
needs making. [censored]s in unfashionable cheap suits expect half-awake
diggers to address them by rank when they aren't wearing any. Even
though don't find drugs (especially on the guy wearing nothing but a towel
with his bag of hooch clenched between his butt cheeks), no detail escapes
thetrained Military Policeman's trained eye.
"Is that your TV?"
"Yes it is."
"Do you have a receipt for it?"
"No."
"Then how do I know it's not stolen?"
"You don't. Am I going to be charged with stealing my own TV?"
"Next time make sure you have a receipt. Get this place cleaned up."

Meat Head. Coming soon on AJTV

Second season episodes.

Episode 7: Urban Stealth vehicle. (True story)
A RAEME digger is harassed for not wearing a hat whilst picking up the
morning tea for the workshop. The smoko is cold and late when delivered
and the workshop takes revenge by grounding all of the MPs vehicles during
routine inspection. The MPs borrow a vehicle from the training pool but
the only vehicle available is an Inter Mk 5. The MPs have to perform all
their patrols of the married quarter areas in the Mk5. Problems ensue when
the MPs cannot catch a thief on a stolen pushbike.

Episode 8: Where's my machinegun. (True story)
A Landrover stops at an unmanned checkpoint and finds a machinegun.
The machinegun is kidnapped and held for ransom of 10 cartons of beer. The
combined intelligence and detecting powers of the MPs is put to the
test but fails to find the culprit.

Episode 9: The mystery of the flat Bluebird. (True story)
Pissed gunnies dive from the second floor of their lines onto the roof
of the MPs cars while the MPs sleep in their office. MPs can't understand
why the roofs of all their cars are dented.

Episode 10: I really wanted to be a real cop but they wouldn't take
me.
Semi-documentary: Profiles MP careers.

Episode 11: Meccano sets. (True story)
The MPs are tasked with displaying new weapons to the troops (Minimi,
Mag58 and Steyr). At one display all the weapons are disassembled leaving the
MPs to put them back together again. Several hours later, MPs turn up at
the workshop with a box of parts for the armourers to reassemble.

Episode 12: English you good read. (True story)
SIB turns up to a Supply Battalion to investigate the disappearance of
a Zodiac assault boat. They read the NSN incorrectly and spend a day
investigating the disappearance of a gravy boat. The Zodiac meanwhile
turns up in the unit swimming pool where it is being used for diver
training.

cheers