Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were biking across the campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this
bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes
and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."


Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the
glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as
it needs to be.

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Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these people? We've been waiting
for 15 minutes!

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
ineptitude!"

The priest said, "Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a
word with him."

Hi George, what's the matter with that group ahead of us? They're
rather slow, aren't they?"

The green keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
fire-fighters.
>They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,
so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.

Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special
prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist friend and see if there is anything he can do for
them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

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Understanding Engineers - Take Four

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced
altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and
shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would
meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is,
technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your
information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not
been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you
are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity
of hot air.
You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you
expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you
are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but
now, somehow, it's my fault."
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Understanding Engineers - Take Five
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

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An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it
was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the
passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?" Replied the architect and artist.
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you
are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab
and get some work done."

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Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

One day, an engineer was crossing a road when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and
returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do anything
you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look. I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Hi Henk,
I work at an engineering company (I'm a designer, not an engineer).
That's beautiful! :-)
Thanks for a good laugh.
Craig

Yep!!!! Only about 1/2 of the ones I work with are Like that!!! We do have some that are "Gearheads" in thier sparetime.... so they tend to think "Normally"

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA's response was just one sentence, "THAW THE CHICKEN!"
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The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

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There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked an "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark..................$1

Knowing where to put it.........$49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired in peace.

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Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."
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Two Engineers agree to paint a flag pole. Of course they need to know how tall it is so they can purchase the paint. One shimmies up the pole with a tape measure and falls after reaching about half way. While trying to figure out how they can possibly measure the pole along comes a Designer. After asking what they're doing he replies, "that s easy". He then reaches around the pole and pulls it out of the ground and lays it down. "There you go", he said as he walked away. The two Engineers look at each other and one said "that stupid guy will never get anywhere, we don't need to know how wide it is, just how tall".
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TOP 20 ENGINEERS' TERMINOLOGIES
1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.
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Normal people .... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
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Cheers for the laugh, everything said is true :-)

I've got a few months left in my engineering degree so hopefully I'll be asking how it works in a few months

Keep em coming

Jamie

More ammo please! I have more than a few engineers to toast !
Additions-
"We're on it!".............(We have no clue as to where to start)
"It shouldn't have done that".............................(Had no idea it COULD do that)
"The contractor screwed up"....................(calculation and/or callout error)
"I don't believe that,no way!"..................(small math error........)
"I'll get back to you on that".................(oh sh*t!!!Now what?)
......and we're STILL in business!
cheers for propeller heads!

Love it.

I love deadlines - especially the whooshing sound they make as they pass.

Andy

Hey--- Im a degree'd Mechanical Engineer with a PhD, Dont make fun of us....