If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with
you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.
Dear Diary:
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since playing on my college football team 25yrs ago, I decided
it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and
made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified
herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing
and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The
club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am.
Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the
health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek
goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo
Hoo!!!!!
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my
pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra
aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted
her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was
encouraging as I did my sit-ups, Although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC
week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she
put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made
the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying the toothbrush on the counter
and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in
both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.
Belinda's voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she
scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts
when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the
hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete
by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other rubbish too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an
hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to workout
with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing
machine-which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that devil women Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic
little cheer leading !£$*&. If there were a part of my body could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work
on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me the *&%##&** barbells or anything that weighs more than
a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama
coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to
smash the machine into a million pieces. However, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife
(the &*%£!), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a root canal or a
vasectomy :-) :-)
redleg
