New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't cry about anything that's served to you out a window. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of fast food chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster? And what do they do to you in the drive thru?

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this junk at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop messing with old people. A chain store is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, chain store you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the coffee shop order, the bigger the jerk. If you walk into a coffee shop and order a "decaf grande, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're such a huge jerk.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the small of your back. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega candies. If I'm extra hungry for candy, I'll go nuts and eat two. And leave my Almond Joy alone!

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows or stupid storylines (McHales Navy, Charlie's Angels, Gilligan's Island and anything with Jack Black) then you have to give everyone in the cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the rich people's version of looting.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for goodness sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of visible flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that dude?"

Stephen - have you ever caught the BBC TV Show called grumpy old men/women. If it's ever shown on BBC America give it a go - you'll enjoy it. BTW - i'm not inferring that you are old or grumpy - it's just a sense of humour similarity with the show.

Regards

Andy

Well, I am grey haired and over 50... Hah!

For the record, these come from Bill Maher

Now, that is just funny, I don't care who you are.
Thanks a lot for laugh. I needed it.

Shaun