25. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few.

24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

21. I Bought A Car From A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run So We're Even

20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well

18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here

14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back And Cryin' over You

13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now

11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)

10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You

9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

8. Please Bypass This Heart

7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat

5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

4. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

AND for the 3rd week runnin', at Number One is..........

1. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth "Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye

I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

Best one up there.

Of course you cant forget about “ I can’t get over you until you get out from under him “
yes I know I watch too much Larry the cable guy.

There's my top 4...

How about this (genuine) song by Jerry Reed

She got the goldmine (I got the shaft)

Actually, Jimmy Buffett did a fairly serious song called "If the phone doesn't ring it's me." Even better are his songs "My dog ran away, my feet stink, and I don't love Jesus," and best of all, "The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful."

To quote George Carlin.....

"I've never had a ten, but one night, I had me five twos"

Ya'll missed a few of ma favorights.....

1. "Thank God and Greyhound she's gone......"
2. "The girls all get prettier at closing time......."
3. "Ain't I always nice to your kid sister, Don't I take her drivin' every night?"
and my all time favoright......

"I rather peel onions than be seen kissing you"

If The Phone Doesn't Ring It's Me
Jimmy Buffett 1985
"The time spent writing about the intensity involved in trying to
keep love together is short; but the endless research can kill you."
There are oceans of feelings between us
Currents that take us and sweep us away
That's why we seldom have seen us
In the light of a cold hard day

Lots of new friends with the same old answers
Open your eyes
You might see
If our lives were that simple
We'd live in the past
If the phone doesn't ring
It's me

If the phone doesn't ring
You'll know that it's me
I'll be out in the eye of the storm
If the phone doesn't ring
You know that I'll be
Where someone can make me feel warm

It's too bad we can't turn
And live in the past
If the phone doesn't ring
It's me

I've had good days and bad days
And goin' half mad days
I try to let go but you're still on my mind
I've lost all the old ways
I'm searchin' for new plays
Puttin' it all on the line

Lots of new friends with the same old problems
Open your eyes you might see
If our lives were that simple
We'd live in the past
If the phone doesn't ring
It's me

If the phone doesn't ring
You'll know that it's me
I'll be out in the eye of the storm
If the phone doesn't ring
You know that I'll be
Where someone can make me feel warm

It's too bad we can't turn
And live in the past
If the phone doesn't ring
It's me

It's me, it's me
It's me, it's me
It's me, it's me
It's me, it's me

If it takes all the future
We'll live through the past
If the phone doesn't ring
It's me

Have you ever taken a crap so huge your pants fit better? - that one dude from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour that always has a cigar and a glass of whisky or beer :-)

Ron White
I was once thrown out of a bar. I don’t mean the asked me to leave I mean 5 bouncers hurled me out the door into the parking lot.

To keep from getting off topic you can always add Larrys Christmas songs.

Silent fart.
Deadly fart.
All was calm.
Not for long.

(Not trying to sound to childish but it’s the only one I remember that doesn’t risk offending too many people.)

You know what happens when you play country & western music backwards?

You get out of jail
You get your wife back

You get your house back

You get your dog back

You get your truck back :-) :-) :-)

How about "My dog died, now you're the only b itch I have left."