Just had to share this with everyone


A Texas Chili Contest

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges (who were experienced judges), the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor.
Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork.
Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Ex citing BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ig nite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb.
woman is starting look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ------ me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety..

Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the World sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out,fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

LOL This is just waaaay too funny.

Thanks for the good laugh it definately made my evening

Laughed so hard i had tears streaming down my face - the family think I've gone nuts!

I've read this before and knew waht was coming asn still had tears of laughter in my eyes. Thanks. :-)

I can'r see the keys, I'm laughing soo hasd, I can't stop crying!!!!!!!!!


thanks fro theraphy! :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

WELCOME TO TEXAS BOYS

Many years ago (20) being of Italian descent I used to eat what are called pepperacinies (SP?) right out of the jar. Saw a jalepeno which loked sort of similar and ate it the same way. I know how the judge 3 felt. After living in Texas for the past 15 years, well lets just say I've acclimated. We do take our chili real serious down here. I got a box of the Shotgun chili and I don't consider myself to be a burn down the house sort of eater, but after using ALL the powder, I still had to add cayanne pepper and Tobasco to make it palateable.

I've seen this one before also, and I'm still barely able to see through the tears of laughter to type. The lady in the cube next to me is wondering what the heck is happening to me.

As an aside I think people in the American southwest are just a bit touched when it comes to hot food. I was once at a party where the lady in front of me wanted the hottest sauce they had. She took a big spoon full of the stuff all by itself. I swear you could see the makeup melt off her face from the heat.

Thanks very much for the great laugh.

man,this is really funny :-) :-) i laughed so hard that i woke the wife,she came up to my modelroom to ask what i was doing :-) :-) let her read it and now we are both in tears.........thanks dude :-) :-)

greetings jeroen and esther #:-)

LOL..best laugh I have had in awhile!!!! :-)

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-) :-)

I've laughed so hard I've swallowed half a dip of Copenhagen and I think I may have gone pee pee in my pants!

Oh....mother of GOD!!!!!!!!! :-)

Hermon :-) :-)

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Give that man a couple more beers!

:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)
Priceless....

Lawdy, that was funny.. It may have been around for awhile, but its the first time Ive seen it... Have aquired a taste for Thai food, the resturant wego to has three small pots of homemade sauce on the tables.. The black one had my lips burning well after I was finished eating...


Dave

It's not just the people......our dog eats whole jalapeno peppres like they are scoobie snacks.

Almost as good as watching the chili-eating competetion on 'Playing it straight' - that was a classic.

ROFLMAO

Guys at work thought I was hyperventalating.

I laughed so hard I cried, Thanks

:-) :-) :-) I guess in the end he couldn't get enough
:-) :-) :-)