I'm sure they're all made up, but still I wonder... :-)

Here are some conversations that the airline passengers don't hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

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Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,"

explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.

Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."



AND SAVING THE BEST TWO FOR LAST:



The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.



Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):

"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."



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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!

You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

From the lies my pilot told me files.

Real pilot statement made 8 September 2001 at Pittsburg's airport after a difficult take off and real difficulties getting to and maintaining altitude and a very rapid set of turns and very steep descent back to the starting point.

"Some of you on the left side of the plane may have seen some emergency vehicles as we were landing. Those were not for us. They were for an aircraft that was having a real emergency."

"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."

Now, that had me rolling...

Thanks.

Shaun

I do love that one also!
Thanks!

Paul

E X C E L L E N T ! :-)

Thanks for sharing!

Jean-Luc

How 'bout some more!!!!

Airliner: Approach, what's this aircraft doing at my altitude?
Approach: What makes you think it's YOUR altitude, Captain?

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Airliner: How far behind traffic are we?
Approach: Three miles.
Airliner: That doesn't look like three miles to us.
Approach: You're a mile-and-a-half from him; he's a mile-and-a-half from you...that's three miles!

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LH741: "Tower, give me a rough time check!"
Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir."

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Tower: Shamu Two Two, please state estimated time of arrival.
Pilot: Ok, let's see..., I think Tuesday would be nice...

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Pilot: "Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo established ILS 16."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm - and by the way: this is Wien Tower."
Pilot: (pause) "Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!"
Pilot: (pause) "Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?"
Tower: "You can believe me, this is Vienna!
Pilot: (another pause) "But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!"
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left 030 and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava."
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Pilot: "Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up."
Tower: "Sorry, XY-line 195, we don't have your flight plan. What is your destination?"
Pilot: "Leipzig, as always on Monday"
Tower: "But today is Tuesday!"
Pilot: "What!? We have the day off on Tuesday!"

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Tower: "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading."
Pilot: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345..."


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Eggenfelden Info : D-EXXX pls. report persons aboard.
D-EXXX (C-172) : Pilot and two pax and one dog.
Eggenfelden Info (after Cessna finally bounced to stop): Assume the Pilot in Command was the dog?
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Tower: "Height and position please?"
Pilot: "Well, I'm six foot and am sitting at the front of the plane on the left hand side"

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Tower: "Cannot read you, say again!"
Pilot: "Again!"

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Pilot: "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck."
Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck."


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Airliner: Approach, what's our sequence?
Approach: Calling for the sequence, I missed your callsign...but if I find out what it is, you're last.

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Tower: "Phantom-Formation crossing control zone without clearance, state your callsign!"
Pilot: "I'm not stupid..."


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Approach: Air Force 45, it appears your engine has...oh, disregard, I see you've already ejected.


Tom

I fly in small aircraft with a friend of mine.
One day we were approaching the hold short line at the airport,when ground told us to stop,and allow a FEDEX jet pass in front to depart first.
As the jet pulled in front,from another taxiway,the pilot commented it looked like a busy freeway with all the small general aviation which was on the various taxiways.
I promptly keyed my mic ,and said " beep,beep"

Best one I know was an RAF pilot bringing troops back from the Falklands,

Pilot, Ladies and gentlemen we have now landed at RAF Lynham were the local time is 20.00hrs and I would just like to remind all you females on board that you are now officaly classed as ugly once again.

(my mate told me this he knew the pilot who done it and he got well hammered for it as Lt Col's wife was on board, bearing in mind the average posting down there is from 4-6mths without getting back home :-) :-) :-) :-)