This letter was sent by a new army recruit to Mum and Dad back home in Eromanga, a small town west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland.

Dear Mum and Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than working on the farm. Tell them to get in real quick smart before the jobs are all gone.

I woz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, coz all you gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and iron ya uniform. No blasted cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack. Nothing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a route march. Geez it's only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep winning prizes for shooting - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a fat possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year. All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target and its real easy like. You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload.

Sometimes you gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringing wet. But I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can't complain about the Army.

Tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sharon.

:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

:-) :-) So we are playing this game are we...righto, lets see....


ACTION UPON ENCOUNTERING A SNAKE - The Differential Theory:-

1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

3. Armour: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite co-ordinates to snake. Can't
find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

5. Commando: Plays with snake, then eats it.

6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time-On-Target barrage with
three regiments in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable
collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants
(i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded service medals.

7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all Department of
Foreign Affairs directives and Theatre Commander Rules of Engagement by
building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to
kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in
obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using counter
mobility assets. Complains that manoeuvre forces don't understand how to
properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

9. Navy Landing Party: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire
support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites sailors and retreats to
safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which US Navy SEALS kill religious
extremist snakes.

10. Navy: Fires missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes
presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the
most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

11. SASR: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local
civilians demand removal of all Australian Defence Force from Area of
Operations.

12. Cavalry: Follows snake, gets lost, buys sunglasses.

13. Air Battle Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

14. Combat Medics: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly
to save snake's life.

15. Ordnance: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two
weeks after due date.

17. Macchi pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and
engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

18. F/A-18 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses
snake target, but get direct hit on Chinese Embassy 100 Km East of snake due
to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with
Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing
multimillion dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the
future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on
infra-red. Infra-red only operable in desert Areas of Operations without
power lines or SAMs.

20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds
bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows
snake into fire.

21. F-111 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every
other living thing within two miles of target.

22. Medium gun crew: Lays in target co-ordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but
can't receive authorization from Melbourne Air Traffic Control to use
high-trajectory weapons.

23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of
snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake
activity as LOW.

24. Legal Corps: Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional
courtesy.

25. Construction Engineers: Build pub, gut and stuff snake, mount over bar,
name pub "The Snakepit".

26. Petroleum Handlers: Catch snake, introduce free snake with every full
tank promotion.

27. Military Police: Wait for somebody else to capture snake, beat up snake,
deny responsibility.



:-) :-) :-) :-) Still my favourite

Heres another :-) The ones marked (True Story) actually are real events that happened in the Aussie MP's


New ABC Drama Series:

Following the popularity of the BBC series Red Cap, which shows the
hard working, intelligent, brave, heroic, compassionate Military Police of
the British Army, the ABC is pleased to announce Meat Head, a new drama
series about Australian Army Military Police.

Episode 1: It's a Long Way to the Top*
In the opening episode we follow Private Jim Loser who thinks a
transfer to the MPs is an easy two stripes. See him become bitter and twisted when
he realises that all he's achieved is to go from the bottom of one pile to
the bottom of another.

Episode 2: Serving the Nation
This episode covers the vital work of the Military Police. Using the
latest high tech radar (that the civilian coppers stopped using because it was
so unreliable) and on the lookout for speed demons who recklessly tear up
the base at 41km/h.

Episode 3: Lost without you.
In this episode the Meat Heads have the vital task of directing
exercise convoys. They put out a 6-inch by 6-inch sign with a black arrow on
dark green, a foot off the ground and wonder why drivers in a forest at
midnight on blackouts can't see it.

Episode 4: Friends
(It appears that as Australian Army Military Police don't actually
have any, this script is still under development.)

Episode 5: The Persuaders (a true story).
When a SLR goes missing from the unit armory, the crack Meat Head SIB
team soon suspect the soldier who had the rifle on the previous exercise.
After a few days downtown he "willingly" signs a confession saying he stole
the rifle and sold it to "criminals". Case closed. The rifle is found a
year later, stock and butt dissolved, in the bottom of the armory's
chemical cleaning tank, where it had been all the time.

Episode 6: Bob Marley
It's a 4am drug bust at the OR's barracks. A further mystery emerges in
the females' lines where two female soldiers share a room but only one bed
needs making. [censored]s in unfashionable cheap suits expect half-awake
diggers to address them by rank when they aren't wearing any. Even
though don't find drugs (especially on the guy wearing nothing but a towel
with his bag of hooch clenched between his butt cheeks), no detail escapes
thetrained Military Policeman's trained eye.
"Is that your TV?"
"Yes it is."
"Do you have a receipt for it?"
"No."
"Then how do I know it's not stolen?"
"You don't. Am I going to be charged with stealing my own TV?"
"Next time make sure you have a receipt. Get this place cleaned up."

Meat Head. Coming soon on AJTV

Second season episodes.

Episode 7: Urban Stealth vehicle. (True story)
A RAEME digger is harassed for not wearing a hat whilst picking up the
morning tea for the workshop. The smoko is cold and late when delivered
and the workshop takes revenge by grounding all of the MPs vehicles during
routine inspection. The MPs borrow a vehicle from the training pool but
the only vehicle available is an Inter Mk 5. The MPs have to perform all
their patrols of the married quarter areas in the Mk5. Problems ensue when
the MPs cannot catch a thief on a stolen pushbike.

Episode 8: Where's my machinegun. (True story)
A Landrover stops at an unmanned checkpoint and finds a machinegun.
The machinegun is kidnapped and held for ransom of 10 cartons of beer. The
combined intelligence and detecting powers of the MPs is put to the
test but fails to find the culprit.

Episode 9: The mystery of the flat Bluebird. (True story)
Pissed gunnies dive from the second floor of their lines onto the roof
of the MPs cars while the MPs sleep in their office. MPs can't understand
why the roofs of all their cars are dented.

Episode 10: I really wanted to be a real cop but they wouldn't take
me.
Semi-documentary: Profiles MP careers.

Episode 11: Meccano sets. (True story)
The MPs are tasked with displaying new weapons to the troops (Minimi,
Mag58 and Steyr). At one display all the weapons are disassembled leaving the
MPs to put them back together again. Several hours later, MPs turn up at
the workshop with a box of parts for the armourers to reassemble.

Episode 12: English you good read. (True story)
SIB turns up to a Supply Battalion to investigate the disappearance of
a Zodiac assault boat. They read the NSN incorrectly and spend a day
investigating the disappearance of a gravy boat. The Zodiac meanwhile
turns up in the unit swimming pool where it is being used for diver
training.

You guy are all sick and hereby each of you will receive a week after school detention for 2 weeks :-) :-) :-)
Thanks guys for laugh

two true stories from the Kiwi army.

Story one/
in 1989/90 we were being re-equiped with Styre Aug rifles made in Lithgow, Australia. When the armorers unpacked the first batch for our unit they discovered that none would actually fire so they had to be returned.

Story Two/
same time an infantry unit was on exercise with the new rifle and on being told the plastic see through magazines were 'indestructable' they (the magazines) were laid on the tarmack road and run over with an armored personnel carrier. RESULT was that not one survived. :-) :-)

[quote]Meat Head, a new drama
series about Australian Army Military Police
. . . A RAEME digger is harassed for not wearing a hat whilst picking up the morning tea for the workshop./quote]

David

As a former Meat Head , your proposed drama series really resonates!

I remember copping extra duties for not wearing a hat whilst picking up the morning tea - after an aviation corporal dobbed me in! He was an old soldier who'd been promoted and busted more times than he'd care to remember and, even though we were mates, couldn't resist getting one back on the Meat Heads.

Apparently recruits in the British Army also write home to their parents:

Dear Mother,

It's a bugger. Sell the pig and buy me out!

The reply went back;

Dear Son

Pig's dead. Soldier on!



Regards

David