1) Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Three hours after you go to sleep, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in you eyes and mumble " Sorry wrong rack".
2)Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. When you take a shower make sure to shut off the water while soaping.
3) Everytime there's a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you are nauseous.
4) Put lube oil into your humidifier instead of water and set it on HIGH.
5)Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Also, have your family vote on which movie to watch, and then show a different one.
6) (optional for ex-engineering types) Leave your lawnmower and or a chainsaw running in your living room 24hrs a day for proper noise level.
7) Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
8)Once a week blow compressed air through the chimney making sure the wind carries the soot over onto the neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.
9) Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
10) Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich on stale bread and a cup of green Kool-Aid.
11) Set your alarm clock to go off at random hours during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed, get dressed as fast as you can, then run out into your front yard and break out the garden hose.
12) Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put it back together.
13) Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow to sit for 5-6 hours before drinking it.
14) Invite 85 people you really don't like to come visit for a couple of months.
15) Have a fluorescent bulb installed under your coffee table and then lie under it to read books.
16)Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill everytime you pass through one of them.
17) When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while baking, then spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top.
18) Every so often, throw your cat into the swimming pool and yell "Man overboard, ship recovery! "
19) Run into the kitchen and sweep all of the pots, pans, and dishes off the counter and then yell at your wife for not having the place "stowed for sea."
20) Put on headphones from your stereo, ( don't plug them in) go and stand in front of your stove and say (to nobody in particular) "Stove manned and ready". Stand there for three or four hours and then say (again to nobody in particular) "Stove secured". Roll up the cord and put the headphones away.
We weigh anchor in six days...Hope to see you on deck
Steve
